i've decided you don't know me. i mean, how should you? i'm a jumble of words on a white page littered with weheartit pictures, clothing, and other people.
i kind of am feeling that i need to express a more personal element. i know that you all pretty much know my deepest desires already from my christmas list to my resolutions, but every monday from now on, i'm going to have a little article that stems from something i am very close to.
i feel fat lately. i can just feel it. since school started, i've gained almost ten pounds. it's bothering me.
as a recovering anorexic, it's simply not something i can ignore. it's a very big deal to me, and i simply can't defy it. but then i started to think: when exactly did my anorexia develop; why?
it was when i decided i wanted to be in the fashion industry.
more specifically, i wanted to be a model. but i eventually looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that i was too short and ugly. but then i discovered that i had a way of being 'pretty'. skinny became the equivalent of pretty to me. i fasted, fainted, all of it. and it was hell. and i continued to do it. developing an eating disorder was probably planned in my future anyways, as i have high anxiety and familial history of rather pudgy people.
it was killing me. almost literally. around 5'5'', 85 lbs. i got to the point where i was just too tired. and eventually, although i am sure she knew about the eating, my therapist put me on a new medication, which calmed the anxiety and the disorder.
the main point i am trying to make is that to any one who wants to be in the fashion industry, wanting to be in it is almost suicidal. if you're strong, you're set. but myself, and many others, simply aren't. one wants to abandon reason and just be the 'best' and i feel like for a lot of people becoming skinny IS equivalent to being pretty. it's a quick solution; and easy way to 'fix' the genes you may or may not be cursed with. it's simply hell, and it can't continue. now there are some people who are naturally very thin. no problem with that. but i am very tired of models. they make me feel like i am never ever going to be good enough. the thing i love probably most (this very industry) is making me crazy; making me hurt myself & my health. something needs to be done, because i know i am not the only one.
i enlisted cassidy, from bisous mon amour;. i've followed her for quite a while now, and i knew a little of her backstory. here's her words on the matter:
I couldn't put it any better.. Thank you so much Cassidy.
So that's it. Now you know a little more about me and my opinions. I'm so tired of hating myself. Please, can we end it?
(on a side note, i gained 10 followers in one day. wow guys, thank you.)