meet me #1

i've decided you don't know me. i mean, how should you? i'm a jumble of words on a white page littered with weheartit pictures, clothing, and other people.

i kind of am feeling that i need to express a more personal element. i know that you all pretty much know my deepest desires already from my christmas list to my resolutions, but every monday from now on, i'm going to have a little article that stems from something i am very close to.


i feel fat lately. i can just feel it. since school started, i've gained almost ten pounds. it's bothering me.

as a recovering anorexic, it's simply not something i can ignore. it's a very big deal to me, and i simply can't defy it. but then i started to think: when exactly did my anorexia develop; why? 

it was when i decided i wanted to be in the fashion industry.

more specifically, i wanted to be a model. but i eventually looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that i was too short and ugly. but then i discovered that i had a way of being 'pretty'. skinny became the equivalent of pretty to me. i fasted, fainted, all of it. and it was hell. and i continued to do it. developing an eating disorder was probably planned in my future anyways, as i have high anxiety and familial history of rather pudgy people. 

it was killing me. almost literally. around 5'5'', 85 lbs. i got to the point where i was just too tired. and eventually, although i am sure she knew about the eating, my therapist put me on a new medication, which calmed the anxiety and the disorder.

the main point i am trying to make is that to any one who wants to be in the fashion industry, wanting to be in it is almost suicidal. if you're strong, you're set. but myself, and many others, simply aren't. one wants to abandon reason and just be the 'best' and i feel like for a lot of people becoming skinny IS equivalent to being pretty. it's a quick solution; and easy way to 'fix' the genes you may or may not be cursed with. it's simply hell, and it can't continue. now there are some people who are naturally very thin. no problem with that. but i am very tired of models. they make me feel like i am never ever going to be good enough. the thing i love probably most (this very industry) is making me crazy; making me hurt myself & my health. something needs to be done, because i know i am not the only one.

i enlisted cassidy, from bisous mon amour;. i've followed her for quite a while now, and i knew a little of her backstory. here's her words on the matter:

"do admit that the fashion industry is really triggering for me. I have loved and adored fashion from a very young age, it's my passion, and I have chosen it as my ideal career path. However, I noticed in my eating disorder, my love for fashion was twisted into my love for the ideal body type that the fashion industry worshipped. Thinness was associated with glamour. I fell in love with the rail-thin models and their uncanny, protruding bones more so than the clothing they were sporting. I was obsessed with the women who would strut themselves on the catwalk, wearing thousand dollar clothing, and sporting interesting hairstyles and intricate makeup. It reached a point where I didn't even look at the clothes, just at the models. I would compare my body to their bodies and I would criticize any model who was bigger than I or any of her fellow co-workers.
During treatment, I avoided fashion and runway shows. My eating disorder was associated with such things and I didn't want to trigger myself when I was so vulnerable. But driven by curiosity, early in my recovery, I looked at a runway show. I was overwhelmed with jealousy, sadness, compassion, and sympathy. There is no doubt in my mind that most of the runway models engage in eating disorder related behaviors, self-starvation, and have poor and distorted body image. With my new found insight which I acquired from countless hours of therapy and group-sessions, I began to see fashion models for what they really are. Instead of idolizing their bodies which I deemed as perfection, I saw young, fragile girls with sallow cheeks and clouded eyes. They looked so sad in the blinding spotlight of the catwalk, like children who have lost their way. I can only began to imagine what it's like having everyone around you telling you what to look like, how much you should weigh, and who you should be. Is it worth giving up your integrity and morality in order to make a living? I used to think so. But now I know it's not. I'd rather be broke living on welfare than conform to the modeling industry's standards. As a model, you have no voice. If you do, you make no money, you book no jobs. You're just a doll that people throw about, you have no soul. You're just a pretty face and everyone judges you not for who you are, but what you look like.
I disagree with everything the modeling industry is. I despise how the modeling industry is tied into the fashion industry. It's an ugly business, promising hopeful young teenagers and women fame and wealth if they change how they look. I used to want to model when I was in middle school. I remember never feeling good enough as I browsed countless runway shows, admiring and envying those cadaverous women. In my ignorance, I glamorized their lifestyles. I began to associate emaciation with beauty. And later on, I measured my ideal beauty with my self worth. Which I later learned that what I look like doesn't reflect what I deserve and who I am inside. Although I have gotten better, it's still difficult for me to look at runway shows or do anything fashion related. For a while after recovery, I avoided shopping and clothes I liked because I felt uncomfortable and insecure in them. But now, I'm beginning to realize that I can't change how I'm supposed to look or be. It's inevitable. And I've come to the understanding that the longer I avoid accepting myself, the more insecure I will come. I don't want to live my entire life in fear. I don't want to fear food or feel uncomfortable in my own body. That isn't life- that's torture.
Acceptance is probably one of the hardest thing anyone could do, whether they struggle with an eating disorder or not. But it's worth every battle, every tear, and all the effort and obstacles. I have yet to fully accept my body and who I am, for it's a long process that I have no doubt will take many years. Although it may seem unachievable, it's possible. I know many people who have completed that journey and possess self-confidence that I can only dream about. These are the people I admire most. These are the people that are the epitome of beauty. It's interesting how those who don't measure up to society's or the media's perception of beauty, but are confident and secure in their own skin, are the most beautiful. In my eyes at least. As a perfectionist, I have learned perfection is unobtainable by any human being. Even fashion models are not perfect. Everybody has flaws and quirks. These imperfections are what makes us unique and what set us apart. Can you imagine if perfection existed? Can you imagine how boring it would be if everyone had insipid personalities and bodies?
As a survivor of Anorexia, heed my words when I say self-worth is not the same as beauty. There are those who believe that to be true, and I can only hope they soon are enlightened by the truth. I have suffered in order to acquire this insight. Listen to what I have to say, for the price I have paid is costly.

Remember, you are beautiful because you are your own person.
  Cassidy                                "

I couldn't put it any better.. Thank you so much Cassidy.

So that's it. Now you know a little more about me and my opinions. I'm so tired of hating myself. Please, can we end it?

(on a side note, i gained 10 followers in one day. wow guys, thank you.)


  1. in my opinion, the most beautiful people are the lovely, warmhearted folks who treat others with kindness. there's nothing more beautiful than someone who cares for the people around them.

    good luck.

  2. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I know.

  3. Thank you for being so honest, girl you are very brave for sharing that. I wish I could hug you right now, you are beautiful and I wish you all the best. We can only grow from our toughest struggles, I have a feeling you're going to shine :)


  4. Beautifully written. It's awful how weight is everything in this world. xx

  5. I am also not happy with my weight this days, good to read this :) love ur blog

  6. Wow, I love this. I absolutely love it.
    Well put, Cassidy, too.

  7. Well I must be retarded but I can't see it on the bottom of your page! It might just be my internet browser or something. Oh well, I just need to get more into the habit of checking my blogger!

  8. Thanks again for asking me to do this. You're beautiful girly, stay strong and know I'm always here for you if you need me :)

  9. beautiful words.


  10. It's a shame that you have felt this way. You are gorgeous. What a pity society puts unrealistic standards on us to make us feel otherwise. Perfectly written. Thanks for your honesty and being a true inspiration.

  11. have you guys seen jean kilbourne's video "Killing Us Softly?" It's all about the fashion/advertising industry and its effect on women. It's AMAZING. Here's a link for anyone who is interested: http://alkeemi.blogspot.com/2010/09/killing-us-softly.html

  12. I'm so glad that you are getting better, but I hate that it hurts you still. I know the feeling. I had a point in my life where I was way underweight, not anorexic, but it wasn't healthy.. and then school came and now I weigh normal, I guess (which I don't like, I'd like to be less than normal). Sometimes now I feel like to be pretty again the only way to do so is by losing weight. But I know that's not true but it's hard to push the thought out.

    Anyway, you are gorgeous and don't forget it. :) love love. <3

  13. I'm underweight. Always have been, my friends kept encouraging me to eat but then I'd be afraid I'd bloat up. Later somebody told me I look like a sick Ethiopian child and that's when I decided enough is enough. Since then I have dominated the Domino's pizza joint :P

    You hardly have to worry about your weight, you're ridiculously pretty anyways :)

    http://www.seren-dip-a-tea.blogspot.com/ Please follow me :D

  14. that is such a lovely peice of writing, and im sure it will help a lot of people.

    its one of the saddest illness ive come across,

    I hope everything works out ok, skinny isnt beautiful, who you are is x


  15. very brave of you for putting it out there! not many people have the balls to admit to their problems in order to end them, let alone bring them up afterwards! i think your voice is a true gem to the blogosphere; i definitely encourage and admire you all the way. thanks for telling us about the real you:)

    happy new year!
    xx raez

  16. Its amazing to me that women have come so far yet we still feel the desire to be thin when we should all want to be healthy. It was so brave to write that and I really do hope you stay well.

  17. This is just breathtaking. It is so tempting to just give in to yourself and stop allowing yourself the pleasure of eating. But, everyone can fight through this. I am absolutely positive of it, and I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

  18. Hi there!
    Happy I found your blog! It really is lovely! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and such lovely inspiration! Keep up the good posting Darling!

    Remember.. YOU are beautiful!!

    Wanna be followers? Let me know!
    Love from Stockholm.. xoxo!

  19. I lately feel fat to but thats just because i ate to much with christmas haha. Dont be so insecure your gorgeous. And what your saying about. Your only in high school means nothing! You can be who ever you want to be!

  20. Kat,

    I can attest to what you were saying through this post because I went through something similar. I was a freshman in high school, and all my friends were tall, thin cheerleaders. There I was, five feet tall and pudgy. I was disguisted with myself because I lacked even the control to not eat. It was then that I began purging. It was a ruthless cycle that would last for about a week, then I'd stop for a few days, and then again, I became obsessed with food and trying not to "get caught". Eventually, I just got sick of it. Now, as a sophomore in college, I'm still tempted to this day when I feel like I've eaten too much, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, it's a battle. But I finally realized that I'm worth it, and I see that in you, too.

    Email me and we can talk and set up a healthy way to lose the weight. I know, I know, I'm the LAST person who should be giving advice, but I've recently started trying to do this "the healthy way" and even though it's such a struggle, it just makes it even more rewarding. It's a lot easier to be proud when you're not constantly trying to hide something.

    On that note, I am proud of you for sharing your past struggles realizing that you are worth it.

    And you are the farthest thing from weak, sweet girl.

    Love Always,

  21. what an incredibly candid article. such transparent exposure of your thought process and the struggles you're facing. tremendous triumph to air it out the way you have. writing always helps me with the jumble that can build up inside my head. it's such a fab thing to do and you do it SO well!

    interesting that the trail leads back to the fashion industry. i've heard that from friends before who also have had some form of eating disorder. one of my besties actually had the word "delight" tattooed on her bottom inner lip, so she'd always remember it as her food passed inwards and hopefully not outwards.

    cassidy's accompanying piece is eye opening too. thank you for this post and i'm so glad to find you today, so as not to miss it. ♥

  22. Such a beautiful post. Too bad not a lot of those girls see it that way, it's a shame and a waste of lives.
    I too despise the modeling industry because of this, although I love fashion.
    Models should be confident and strong people, not women who're scared of gaining a pound because it might cost them their job. They should think that if they keep that up, it might cost them their life.


  23. Kat, thank you for your note! i too am working on restraint and trying not to be too spell bound with "things". i hear ya lades!

    personally, i love tattoos and think your idea to get one is fab (when you're ready). xo ♥

  24. Lovely post dear!!
    just love your body shape :)
    skinny isn't always look beautiful.
    when you try to live in healthy way,
    i believe you will look fabulous.
    my fave models come from Victoria Secret Angel.
    they look fabulous with that gorgeous body shape.
    the key is, they try to live in healty way..
    of course they have diet..but diet with a right way (diet = balance nutritions not less your food) and the always have some sport routine..
    so you can see the result.. they look so young (their age are 25 above) and if you compare with young models such as Abbey, Frida, etc.. this Victoria models (Karolina Kurkova, Miranda Kerr) still look as young as the teenager models.

    my point is we can dream for a perfect body, but never try to get it with the wrong way..it can kill ourselves.


    in Love&Light
    Queen d

    PS: i'm your new follower, come and visit my site..feel free if you wanna follow me back :)

  25. thats so moving :)

  26. thank you for sharing, i coped with this when i was younger, and i used to be happy with myself after well...everything but lately i felt accomplished when my stomach was rumbling...this story was just what i needed to put myself back on track. ty very much (: btw, i just really wanted to let you know, that coming out for your problems is really brave. its been over four years, and im still embarassed to talk about it... even posting this comment is difficult..but thank you anyway (:


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