meet me #1

i've decided you don't know me. i mean, how should you? i'm a jumble of words on a white page littered with weheartit pictures, clothing, and other people.

i kind of am feeling that i need to express a more personal element. i know that you all pretty much know my deepest desires already from my christmas list to my resolutions, but every monday from now on, i'm going to have a little article that stems from something i am very close to.

fat. 

i feel fat lately. i can just feel it. since school started, i've gained almost ten pounds. it's bothering me.

as a recovering anorexic, it's simply not something i can ignore. it's a very big deal to me, and i simply can't defy it. but then i started to think: when exactly did my anorexia develop; why? 

it was when i decided i wanted to be in the fashion industry.

more specifically, i wanted to be a model. but i eventually looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that i was too short and ugly. but then i discovered that i had a way of being 'pretty'. skinny became the equivalent of pretty to me. i fasted, fainted, all of it. and it was hell. and i continued to do it. developing an eating disorder was probably planned in my future anyways, as i have high anxiety and familial history of rather pudgy people. 

it was killing me. almost literally. around 5'5'', 85 lbs. i got to the point where i was just too tired. and eventually, although i am sure she knew about the eating, my therapist put me on a new medication, which calmed the anxiety and the disorder.

the main point i am trying to make is that to any one who wants to be in the fashion industry, wanting to be in it is almost suicidal. if you're strong, you're set. but myself, and many others, simply aren't. one wants to abandon reason and just be the 'best' and i feel like for a lot of people becoming skinny IS equivalent to being pretty. it's a quick solution; and easy way to 'fix' the genes you may or may not be cursed with. it's simply hell, and it can't continue. now there are some people who are naturally very thin. no problem with that. but i am very tired of models. they make me feel like i am never ever going to be good enough. the thing i love probably most (this very industry) is making me crazy; making me hurt myself & my health. something needs to be done, because i know i am not the only one.

i enlisted cassidy, from bisous mon amour;. i've followed her for quite a while now, and i knew a little of her backstory. here's her words on the matter:

"I do admit that the fashion industry is really triggering for me. I have loved and adored fashion from a very young age, it's my passion, and I have chosen it as my ideal career path. However, I noticed in my eating disorder, my love for fashion was twisted into my love for the ideal body type that the fashion industry worshipped. Thinness was associated with glamour. I fell in love with the rail-thin models and their uncanny, protruding bones more so than the clothing they were sporting. I was obsessed with the women who would strut themselves on the catwalk, wearing thousand dollar clothing, and sporting interesting hairstyles and intricate makeup. It reached a point where I didn't even look at the clothes, just at the models. I would compare my body to their bodies and I would criticize any model who was bigger than I or any of her fellow co-workers.

During treatment, I avoided fashion and runway shows. My eating disorder was associated with such things and I didn't want to trigger myself when I was so vulnerable. But driven by curiosity, early in my recovery, I looked at a runway show. I was overwhelmed with jealousy, sadness, compassion, and sympathy. There is no doubt in my mind that most of the runway models engage in eating disorder related behaviors, self-starvation, and have poor and distorted body image. With my new found insight which I acquired from countless hours of therapy and group-sessions, I began to see fashion models for what they really are. Instead of idolizing their bodies which I deemed as perfection, I saw young, fragile girls with sallow cheeks and clouded eyes. They looked so sad in the blinding spotlight of the catwalk, like children who have lost their way. I can only began to imagine what it's like having everyone around you telling you what to look like, how much you should weigh, and who you should be. Is it worth giving up your integrity and morality in order to make a living? I used to think so. But now I know it's not. I'd rather be broke living on welfare than conform to the modeling industry's standards. As a model, you have no voice. If you do, you make no money, you book no jobs. You're just a doll that people throw about, you have no soul. You're just a pretty face and everyone judges you not for who you are, but what you look like.

I disagree with everything the modeling industry is. I despise how the modeling industry is tied into the fashion industry. It's an ugly business, promising hopeful young teenagers and women fame and wealth if they change how they look. I used to want to model when I was in middle school. I remember never feeling good enough as I browsed countless runway shows, admiring and envying those cadaverous women. In my ignorance, I glamorized their lifestyles. I began to associate emaciation with beauty. And later on, I measured my ideal beauty with my self worth. Which I later learned that what I look like doesn't reflect what I deserve and who I am inside. Although I have gotten better, it's still difficult for me to look at runway shows or do anything fashion related. For a while after recovery, I avoided shopping and clothes I liked because I felt uncomfortable and insecure in them. But now, I'm beginning to realize that I can't change how I'm supposed to look or be. It's inevitable. And I've come to the understanding that the longer I avoid accepting myself, the more insecure I will come. I don't want to live my entire life in fear. I don't want to fear food or feel uncomfortable in my own body. That isn't life- that's torture.

Acceptance is probably one of the hardest thing anyone could do, whether they struggle with an eating disorder or not. But it's worth every battle, every tear, and all the effort and obstacles. I have yet to fully accept my body and who I am, for it's a long process that I have no doubt will take many years. Although it may seem unachievable, it's possible. I know many people who have completed that journey and possess self-confidence that I can only dream about. These are the people I admire most. These are the people that are the epitome of beauty. It's interesting how those who don't measure up to society's or the media's perception of beauty, but are confident and secure in their own skin, are the most beautiful. In my eyes at least. As a perfectionist, I have learned perfection is unobtainable by any human being. Even fashion models are not perfect. Everybody has flaws and quirks. These imperfections are what makes us unique and what set us apart. Can you imagine if perfection existed? Can you imagine how boring it would be if everyone had insipid personalities and bodies?

As a survivor of Anorexia, heed my words when I say self-worth is not the same as beauty. There are those who believe that to be true, and I can only hope they soon are enlightened by the truth. I have suffered in order to acquire this insight. Listen to what I have to say, for the price I have paid is costly.

Remember, you are beautiful because you are your own person.

Sincerely,

  Cassidy                                "

I couldn't put it any better.. Thank you so much Cassidy.

So that's it. Now you know a little more about me and my opinions. I'm so tired of hating myself. Please, can we end it?

(on a side note, i gained 10 followers in one day. wow guys, thank you.)

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